NEWSFLASH!

Attempting to just meet people is not easy.  (Me)Hello.....how are you?  (Me)Oh, yes, I have three children, 10, 9 and 7.  (Me)Yes, divorced.  (Me)Oh....ok.  Thanks.  So now that I am moving a little more forward on the forward movement, things are becoming very clear that being single at this stage in life with the given scenario is a lonely walk down an empty street.  Friends show up and dissappear, while others over irritate.  Its an endless attempt to locate some kind of peace in a situation where only stress lives.  I knew this was not going to be easy but apparently my heart didn't really know.  I thought one person sincerely cared but I was dupped by that to only find that she was selfish and afraid to feel at all.  Sucks to have your heart broken in the middle of it being mended.  I guess I am just too freakin sensitive or something....YEA....I SAID IT....I am sensitive.  Ok, so now to move on....c'mon heart....let's keep it moving....

a lil sumthin pt 2

WHERE are you?  Where are YOU?  Where ARE you?  Lost in the abyss of stress and strife, cast aside like yesterdays thoughts and illusions.  Illusions of self fulfillment and completion through a smile.  Crushed by the simple words 'its not the same'.  Confusion replaced by sadness and sadness replaced by fear.  Afraid of a dark corner of the heart and mind, yet pulled towards chest out, head and feet back like whiplash.  Pushed and pulled, stretched and squeeze, comes the new life of a beating heart.  Free, free at last from the constraints of expectation, free from the feeling of loosing, loosening the acceptance ratio towards understanding what did just happen.  Breathe in breathe out....foggy is the image before me, steamy even.  Slowly the unknown becomes clearer.  Face to face with the hope of Again.

a lil sumthin

Done?  No way to escape the quiet rage that brews within.  Anger and rage without a voice that swings like a pendulum to fear and loneliness.  What did I do? What did I do to make you remove your touch from my heart?  Time stands still as I watch the seconds tick away.  Sunset, sunrise, the darkness is cold in August.  The desert stirs the senses towards solitude as I think back to greater days.  Days of laughter, the chills of passion in the morning, long stares, sweet eruptions of ecstasy.  Long walks in the mind to places that only dreamers go, where lovers live, pride is cast aside and care is the hinge to other days.

  Now….left in the echo of the screaming and shouting, where there are no words.  Stuck, in the echo of distant memories from a yesterday now grow faint.  Can’t let go…..can’t move forward…can’t breathe….can’t sit still….can’t stop running.  Can’t!  Can’t ever love again.  Rest in peace heart…rest in pieces.

Father's Day

I thought of writing this yesterday but I wanted to wake up and see if my thoughts were still the same.  I had a great Father's Day!  The kids made me breakfast, the squirrels made everything.  The young prince grilled me a steak and the only thing mom did was cook the potatoes.  We ate and as I opened my gifts and cards, I found that reading those cards sent me into a whirl wind of emotion.  As my younger put it "I wish you still lived with us".  My heart sank, my mind shut down and the tears flowed...the babies saw their dad cry for the first time ever and they knew why.  I hugged my older daughter and I felt a connection with her like I have never felt as she delivered to me a quiet reassurance that everything was going to be ok.  As I stated earlier, I had a great Father's Day.  These emotions are something that I swallowed before and the lack of them could have very well contributed to the demise of my marriage.  Now, I welcome them.  Emotions come from God and we are the only creation that has them, in my opinion.  The ability to feel and to have your body react to that feeling is powerful and should never be underestimated, misunderstood or misdirected.  There is a time for rationalization and there are times to just let go and allow emotions to do what it will.  Often, in those emotional states is where truth lives and where God does His work.  Currently, my heart and mind are in two different places and I look forward to the day in which they are aligned.

expect the unexpected

ok so how and the heck do you really do that?  i mean is life like driving?  check the mirrors, look into the blind spots to avoid a collission.  how could i ever expect that this would happen?  this wasnt supposed to happen.  to what do i owe the pleasure of this completely desirable luscious thing happen?  thought it was past tense and then wham.  ok, time to regroup and rethink...wait...maybe i dont think....damn, here i go, thinking.  all i k now is, im impressed....that is a hard feat to accomplish.  damn you thing....damn you.

sucks it does

Today I learned that letting go also means facing the obvious.  It is obvious that at some point, in several moments in the past, I saw a future.  I saw a life filled with promise, a joy that was mine to capture, a reason to breathe through mistakes, tears to shed for smiles, hugs to warm the cold chill of deception...there was this time. My weakness is not being weak enough, my strength is my memory. Boy is that stupid irony. It is foolish to think that solitude and self-pity can ever replace love.  It is foolish to hold on to memories that do not build but only tear down life or hold life in place.  My friends, hold on to the memories that build you up.  Hold on to the breathless moments that transcend your existence into jubilee.  There are many things that I want to forget but the fear of loosing this silly protective force field is strong.  This shear force field that produces a bark bigger than a bite is all I have right now.  Being transparent before was purely and openly rejected.  Lesson learned.....and still learning. Faith.....Hope.......and Love.

the day ends

And so the weekend ends, kids are down for the evening and I am entering my routine of Art Laboe and some reflection.  Today for the first time in a long while, I felt empowered.  Not so much as I can conquer the world or cure cancer but that I can grow accustomed to a new lifestyle.  The 'letting go" is certainly easier said than done but is absolutely necessary.  Not forgetting, not getting used to, not trying to understand, just simply letting go.  Let it go.